Hope on the Horizon: my darling, dare I ask...can we ever...begin again?
The question I have been too afraid ask until now: darling, can our love begin...again?
Now that the dizziness of desertion has died off, now that the dust has settled…
Is it too much to ask for a fresh start free from all the pain and blackness that enveloped our beginning?
Could you come back…one day…when the war is over?
I sit with this, not as a pressing question that requires an answer.
It’s just something that sits at the edge of curiosity.
Something that permeates my consciousness.
Were this thought personified, its breath would be warm on me, not pressing, just barely touching, the way your lips would sit just millimetres from the surface of my skin right before you…
As I sit and wonder, a heat arises where your hand used to rest in moments unguarded.
It’s unbidden this warmth, but characteristic of how I involuntarily still respond to your energetic presence in the air around me. You come and you go, you never truly left.
There are no strings attached to the outcome that sometimes circles around my mind, and yet I have spent time wondering…
Is this the soul connection I think it is, or are you just a delicious daydream I have conjured up to pass the time between loves that are not you?
In the void of the nothingness in which I sit now, it’s difficult to know.
The absence of words leaves only interpretation in its wake.
So, rather than fret about your absence, or fervently await your return, here is a space for me to roam free as I leave the ultimate outcome to powers far greater than me.
Let my imagination run wild as she is wont to do, to say all the things I will likely never get to tell you, but so deeply desire you to know.
Perhaps you too are sitting at the edges of possibility. Perhaps I also come to you in the night, seizing you from sleep, seeking your heat, sliding gently into your heart in the shadows of darkness.
Perhaps there are things you also long to hear, wonder about chances missed, moments not acted upon and long for one last touch that you too ache to take.
So here I will place all the things I would say to you…were you not…gone…
Baby I want you. But I want boundaries more.
I desire you in ways that require a safe container. This love requires a homestead on the wide open range to keep us protected from the elements.
I want you to promise to keep me safe. And mean it this time.
I want to go places with you without borders, but yet that require broad boundary fences to protect us from things that are out of our control.
I want a slow ride into your soul. To progress at a pace that is so glacial that we ache with the slowness of it all.
I want to be the only woman in your life. I don’t just want this, I demand this. I do, because I can.
Truthfully, I always wanted to tell you, if I had you in my bed, I would not share you with anyone. Ever.
Why would I share something as precious as you in spaces I have craved to come home to my whole life?
And darling, neither does my heart desire you to open me to others. I will not be common property.
I am a one horse town my love in a wild, wide open space. Equally everything I am is wide open to you. Wide wide open.
All you need is right here. Underneath my skin. Inside my thighs. In between my ears. Settled in my soul.
Darling I want to finish what we started. I want to wrestle with you on the floor, and growl my desire into your mouth.
I want you to make good on all the promises you whispered in my ear, sealed in with a kiss, as you sucked on the nape of my neck in the late hours of the night.
I want to know what it feels like to slide over your skin in any way I want to after the clock strikes midnight.
I want to tease you until you beg, to taste you on my tongue and to lick the essence from your face and the tips of your fingers. To make you tingle from top to toe. Again.
I want to worship you in ways that are both unique and uncommon.
Your body will be a canvas for the expression of my love for all that you are, and all you will be.
I want to allow you to paint your cravings for me on my soft body in any way you want.
I want you to carve your name with your mouth into my flesh without asking me for permission. I want to claim what you so deeply desire from my body and soul.
Your heart is a space I would curl up in; to nest, to rest, to hide from the world and from where to press into the recesses of your soul with more gentleness than you have ever known.
I want to hold your naked soul so gently, so carefully, that you never again question whether you are loved. You are. So much.
I want to explore your mind to the edge of infinity.
I want to know all that you hope for, the things that scare you most. I want to hold you here. Always.
I want to be held tight by you as I awaken into a new day, and as I lie quietly in your arms as the sun slips away from the sky. Every damn day I can.
I want to desire you so deeply that you can feel my longing across the continents, the fire in your loins unmistakably originating from…my own. Like an energetic postcard on the bedside table wherever you may be.
I want to claim your flesh. Claw at your skin, to lovingly lick at your scars, to share and scatter the pain of lives lived before "us".
To make you understand that you will never again wonder whether you need another. Freedom is found here baby. Never again will you be kept in a cage for you are a King.
I want to fuck you as the day dawns anew, and be made love to by you as the night fades again as the day once more slides away.
I want to bring to you all that I am, and in turn receive you in your all. To take your tears and feel your joy.
I want to roam the planet with you, in places others dare not go, because your heart is as boundless and courageous as mine. Adventure is our collective birthright and with you be my side, there is nowhere I wouldn't go.
May our travels through life be expansive beyond anything our minds are capable of conceiving.
Mostly, I want to look into your eyes, every morning that I can, and wonder at the love we found in the most hopeless place.
We found pure light in absolute darkness, and that is why, rather than walk away completely, I continue to wonder.
Wonder what would happen darling…if we could…begin again?