Where the Wild Women Are #1: Stop Saying Sorry #sorrynotsorry
This is the first of a series of posts called Where the Wild Women Are. See link for more information https://misscook.co/blog/where-the-wild-woman-are-new.
WOMEN, we are the Great Apologisers.
Sorry this. Sorry that. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
But are you really? What are you constantly saying sorry about? And to whom?
You want to be stop being so apologetic for everything you do don’t you?
I know you fucking do, because I do too. Sorry for every fucking thing that makes someone else feel something about me that doesn’t feel good for them.
There is a little part of you that cringes or winces every time you say sorry for being the woman that you are, doesn’t it?
Give this theory a run next time you find yourself apologising for something that quite literally has nothing to do with you. We do it constantly. And it has the most damaging effect on our bodies, our hearts, our souls, and our self worth. Feel into yourself next time you whip out one of those “sorry for being me”, and really feel where that apology came from, where specifically in your body you told you “now say sorry for being you or doing X”.
You know the kinds of apologies I mean…
Someone wants to get by you on the tram. They eyeball you, like “move woman”. A silent demand you’re in their way. You move courteously for them and they pass you. “Sorry” you say as they push past you.
The colleague that tells you you were contributing “a little bit much” in that meeting, or that you speak too loudly for a quiet corporate environment or you’re a little too happy for the office. Dial down that sunshine, sunshine. “Sorry” you say.
Some random miserable human throws you shade in your favourite cafe when you and those those radiant girlfriends of yours are laughing throaty, heart felt laughs because you’re joyful to be together, and are expressing your happiness and love. “Sorry” you say.
Your close friend tells you (and this actually happened to me recently), “I need you to be a little less you today, I am really hyper-sensitive, and you are a lot”. Like I could, and should, bring a little less of myself to the room. “Sorry” you say.
Your parent rpeatedly reminds you of an aspect of yourself, past or present, that has “disappointed them”; you may have failed to take Chinese in Year 8 and “should have”, dated an asshole (or ten), didn’t study hard enough at Uni or didn’t made the tennis team...when you were 15. Yet again you feel like a (more) failure. “Sorry” you say.
You’re not fucking sorry.
What the FUCK are you sorry for? Stop fucking saying it. STOP SAYING SORRY.
You don’t have to be sorry all goddamn time for being the textured, flawed, exceptional human you are. You don’t need to apologise to another person for things that you cannot, should not, or ought not change. NO. Would you demand an apology of them for the same thing? NO YOU FUCKING WOULDN’T. You wouldn’t even think of it.
So, ENOUGH. ENOUGH ALREADY.
Save your apologies for when you really fuck up, when you really run over the top of someone’s feelings, for when you really didn’t show up for someone you love, or you abandon someone that really needed you because you were being selfish. When you have done something that was so reckless or careless that you REALLY hurt someone else, and for a moment you really didn’t care about the consequences or them. For those times you REALLY made an adverse impact on someone’s day/week/life, when you REALLY let someone down.
Apologise then, from the bottom of that beautiful heart.
When it REALLY FUCKING MATTERS that you own your shit and take account for your shitty actions.
Apologise then loudly and clearly, so they can hear you, hear how much you know that hurt them, how you know you fucked up, and how you are going to do better tomorrow, how much love it takes to sincerely feel bad for what you have done and take responsibility for it.
But in between those rare occasions when you actually have something to be sorry about, don’t you dare utter an apology you don’t mean. It’s hollow and takes something away from your soul every single time you do it.
DO NOT expend energy apologising for things that are who you are, what you love, or how you bring your difference to this incredible world. Do not ever apologise for who you are at your core.
I’m not talking about basic manners here or when you are inconsiderate, annoying or irritating. Nope. Not even a little bit. And you know the difference, I know you do. You’re a fucking smart, strong, powerful woman. Even if you don’t know it yet, I do, and you are so much more than a stupid throwaway sorry.
Every damn time you do this shallow sorry you are apologising for taking up space in the world around you. You are apologising for being present in your environment. Having feelings, emotions, being erratic, being “too much” of this or “not enough” of that, of being in someone’s way, of being your-motherfucking-self.
You are apologising for YOU.
You’re admitting that you are indeed not enough, not worthy, or that the person who you just falsely apologised to matters more than you. Hell no. Uh uh.
Can you imagine how much energy it takes to be yourself (the initial action), take back the action (saying sorry) and then replacing it with shame, admonishment or suppressing who you really are. You just choked down something you created
No more. Not from today. No more “sorry” when what you really mean is “fuck off”, “okay”, “no problem”, “your opinion is not relevant here”, “NO” or “actually why don’t you take your shit and stop projecting it onto me”. Say the word you mean, and never ever again apologise for being you.
For you, wonderous woman, are fucking fabulous, and you ai’t apologising to no one for that fact.
I love you.