The Tender Hearts Dating Club: mindful dating in a mad mad world
This post is little different to my standard fare, and was originally intended for Valentines Day, but I got a smidgen sidetracked, and so here we are now. This article is not about having a whopping great whine online without contributing anything to the collective (okay, maybe a little whinge to begin, just a little one), rather it is one of celebration. CELEBRATION OF THE SENSITIVE SOULED SINGLES. Of which I am proudly one. You hardy, heart warming and determined little battlers, you.
This is a post to pay homage to all the tender-hearted single boys and girls who go into the firing line, day in day out, put their bodies, hearts, and minds on the line, in the name of finding a little love of their very own. You guys and girls are bullet riddled, missing bits of your heart and brains that have been blown off in action, whilst simultaneously trying to perform emergency field surgery on the fly on yourselves while heading straiught back in the action. You are my fucking heros. I am still standing at the front door with my helmet on, rooted to the spot, unable to move ;-)
So in honour of your bravery and efforts, I present to you a little quickie how-to-guide to tackle an endemic problem common to all: the gross insensitivity and inhumanity that can go on in the online dating world. If you're not in it, you can't even imagine the atrocities that go on within it. Flagrant abuse of cartoon vegetables, phallic scud missile missives without adequate warning exploding in your hand and people pretending to be absolutely anything other than who they actually are. Fragile, gentle and a little bit afraid.
Oh boy. What a pickle. Do not insert an emoji. Please. I beg you.
Looking on from an objective perspective, online dating is something akin a Titanic-esque oceanliner packed to the rafters with boys and girls engaged in ferocious flirting and ruthless rummaging for their "true love", amongst an ever-growing crazy cacophany of scared singletons all scrapping for each others' attention. Some sinking, some swimming, but one thing is now certain, this terrific terrifying tragedy could never hope to be complete without the silent accompaniment of a million pictoral dicks being flung back and forth while the band plays its final song as the ship goes down.
What an absolute clusterfuck. Well, yes. Yes. It is.
Seemingly, no one knows how to talk to one another online without resorting to an endless stream of vegetable emojis and puddle depth chit chat about absolutely nothing. Sigh. this is where we are in the 21st century? Really? This is progress? Sending an eggplant or a peach to an strange face on a screen? Wow. Just wow.
"Yeah Greg, I see what you did there, I get it, you used "come", and then parked an eggplant and a water emoji after it - I get the #message. What a genius you are. Bet you're amazing at charades". Yawn. *searches for stick to shove in eye*
BUT friends, there is HOPE! YES! There is a solution; it's obvious, it's available and it's so effing simple. If we all give this a little thought, and then maybe adapt some of the below to our own lives, I reckon we are onto something, and can slowly change the precariously wobbly world we inhabit currently.
Firstly, get out from behind the screens peeps.
I believe very little of this callousness and carelessness would go on in only person-to-person interactions. Humans are by nature a lot more fragile, more tender, more...human when confronted with having to interact with another human. If we had no screen to hide behind, a lot less people would be behaving the way they do online. If there were no easy ways out (i.e. ghosting) and you had to communicate with the other person directly as to what you wanted or didn't want, I believe we would all be courteous and more gentle, less combative or aggressive or careless.
Secondly, and this follows on the heels of the first point, very few people would be brave enough to say one tenth of what they say online. For example, in my 20+ years of dating, no man, ever, has walked up and just heaved his manhood out onto the dinner table on a date. Nope, never happened. And so, I am lead to believe that the little teeny tiny lens (the phone screen) through which we live this part of our life is definitely part of the problem.
The solution friends is MINDFUL DATING.
You know, mindfulness + dating = mindful dating. As in dating thoughtfully, carefully and with awareness. Specifically NOT acting like someone on the sex offenders register. It's a subtle distinction I know, but yet, there it is.
It's essentially about being kind, careful and considerate. It's also not rocket science: treat others how you would like to be treated yourself. Think you can do that? Yes? Unreal! You are a thousand steps ahead of most others, and you are now in charge of teaching poeple about the steps outlined below. Brilliant. One down - 49% of the population to go (you know 50% of the adult population of the USA is single right? Terrifying and amazing.).
Now, if you are that 1% of people that don't like to be treated with respect or kindness, okay, no problem, but please fuck right off and leave the rest of us alone. Go and find a solution to all that pain you are carrying around in the 10 tonnes of baggage you are dragging behind you, and have the decency to remove yourself from the dating world while you do it. Phew. That's that dealt with.
So sexy, smart and sensitive singles....want to hear some good news? Actually some amazing news? If you date mindfully, treat others with care, kindness and sensitivity, guess what? You will start to attract more and more people just like you. The law of attraction is a powerful force, and like attracts like baby. It's just one more reason to get on the self-love train, because the higher your self-worth and the more respect you have for yourself, the more circle-jerkers and empty fucktards will come your way. It's actually magically simple.
So, my simple and practical guide to online dating mindfully in this wild wild world? Give it a whirl, you never know what might happen....cue your very own Officer and Gentleman moment (because let's face it guys and girls can both use this as inspo - young Richard Gere...nom nom nom).
Below are my top 6 tips, I do them on the daily, and although admittedly it doesn't work 100% (some jerks slip and slide through the cracks occasionally) but what will absolutely start to happen is that as you publicly set the standard of behaviour that is acceptable for you (cue grabbing the ear of the Universe to send you some amazing people), subsequently you start to change the calibre of person that will come into your personal space. WINNING!
- Set aside time just for online dating. Be present with it. Dedicate time to doing this alone. Give attention to it like you would give attention to a person sitting in front of you. Limit yourself to the amount of profiles you can look a in a day. Let's face it we can only meaningfully take in so much information before our brains are cooked and we stop feeling and start thinking. No analysis paralysis or mindless swiping here please.
- Treat the profile as a person: when you are online and look at people's profile pics, stop and look at their faces, try as best you can to see the person behind the photo. Don't flick past them for some teeny physical flaw - I'll wager you wouldn't like some doing that you. Personifying the profile helps you focus on the fact that these are humans with feelings, not avatars. Pretend they are sitting or standing before you, and look into their eyes. Yes - do it. Trust me. It's a game changer.
- Take your time to observe, and see how your body reacts to a person's profile. Slow down to speed up as it were. Stop the mindless swiping. Stop on each person. Absorb what they put in their profile, hear their words. Or their lack of words (that is a big no no for me). These are clues to who they really are. For better or worse.
- Use your intuition: Feel for whether or not this person seems kind and caring or dangerously disingenuous. Your intuition is your best friend here. The information is often right in front of you, allow your gut to inform your decisions.
- Respect your boundaries: if someone is doing something you don't like, is not respectful or is massively douchey, call them out, and then block them and don't look back. This is the really important "setting the standard for yourself" part. This says to yourself (more than anyone), "nope, I'm not down with that" or "I didn't ask for that", and with practice in this area, gradually your dating opposites, friends, family and the Universe will get the message and react accordingly. Fabulous things will come your way.
- Communicate and be honest and act with integrity. If you don't like someone, kindly tell them. If you do like someone, absolutely tell them respectfully. Try to get to know someone without having to resort to basic sexual banter (again this article is aimed at those looking for more than sex), or constantly making everything loaded or lewd. Guys, girls usually hate this unless we know you, and girls, high self-esteem will tell you you don't need to be sexual for a guy to want you. The good guys want it all honey, remember that.
- MORE THAN ANYTHING: MEET THEM!! IN PERSON. ASAP. Chemistry is chemistry, it can't be faked! We can all be Wonder Woman or Superman behind a screen, but can we bring our tender heart and vulnerable souls to a dinner table. YES! WE CAN! You be you, do you, and don't you dare pretend to be anything that you are not. You are individual and exceptional, and if he/she doesn't see it or wants something different to you, no worries, that's cool, just be honest, kind and respectful while having the self-respect to say "thanks, but no thanks, I want a boyfriend/girlfriend/relationship". Stating your true intention and living your truth is everything when dealing in matters of the heart. End of story.
You are awesome, amazing, incredible and so worthy of having. Anyone who does not see that needs to step off at your insistence. And by extension, if you treat others as well as you treat yourself, together we can raise the roof on the kindness collective and do something amazing for all of us tender hearted singletons. For we all know this old adage "to get love, you need to give love". Now ain't that the truth?
So much love to you all. Now go out there and practice on each other gorgeous people. I dare you.
Miss Cook xoxo
