Self-Worth: The Where’s Wally of the Worry World & How to Find the Feel Good Gold
Ah self worth, such a little devil in disguise. It’s everywhere and nowhere all at once, if only it was wearing a little red and white striped outfit so you could see it more clearly amongst the sea of emotions us little humans have in our field of vision. To be able to identify it from the get-go would be, seriously, something most people would pay good money for.
I have found, in my life, that the majority of the problems, worries and issues I have had relate to a sometimes intensely shaky and tender sense of self worth. I obviously didn’t know it at the time, when I was acting out, behaving badly or in prickly unidentifiable pain, but lying beneath all of this, often carefully camouflaged as something else entirely, almost always, was my old nemesis…cripplingly low self worth. Urgh. You again.
At times, truthfully, given the horribly self destructive actions I was taking (entering into extremely toxic relationships for example), I am not sure I had any self-worth at all. Like, none. Maybe I was even in serious deficit, somewhat like poor old Puerto Rico. My self worth I think it saw what was happening inside me, the slow slide into not believing I had any value beyond some nominal basic functions, and completely abandoned ship. Can’t blame it really, I was a hot mess back then.
To be honest with you, looking back on this version of myself, all broken and flailing about wildly, is heartbreaking. It makes me physically wince that at times I clearly thought so little of myself inside that I would have done such obviously hurtful things to myself. All borne out of believing, or being told by others, that I wasn’t worthy, wasn’t (insert word) enough to be deserving of love, kindness or tenderness. The main culprit though, was definitely me.
Back then, I didn’t have the tools I have now, the wisdom within, to know that self-worth is something we can all build upon, even when it’s only a small pinprick of light within initially. That little glow off in the distance, if you choose to walk towards it, will likely (a) save your life, and then (b) turn your life into something you could only dream of. Living your truth is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. Like a lifetime pass to Disneyland with no lines for the rides. Ever.
To clarify so that we’re all working from the same place, self worth to me (as a very layperson and not at all qualified in any way), is the measure of your inherent value within yourself. This is distinct from self esteem which is the measure of yourself against things external to you. Self worth speaks to the heart of who you are, “what’s inside” and how you see that person, how you see YOU. It also is a tricky little beast that is at the heart of almost every doubt and fear we have and is incredibly skilled at masquerading as a myriad of other emotions. Often we are blissfully unaware that when we are having a reaction to something seemingly unrelated, it’s our old mate self worth rearing its (at times) ugly head.
The immensity of the task we have as humans to attempt to knit together all the parts and pieces of ourselves that have suffered blows from low self worth should not be underestimated. It’s ongoing, it’s life-long commitment to yourself to change the status quo and I don’t believe that this work is ever complete. You can make radical changes, but at the end of the day we are all human, and we will all have slips from time to time, no matter how advanced in practice we are.
What I DO believe is that we can all help each other, lift each up and inspire each other to keep going. Keep trying everyone. Keep knitting guys, we’ll get there. Stitch one, pearl one, stitch one, pearl one. Repeat. My Nan would be proud.
In terms of self worth, until I started on this little spiritual quest of mine, I didn’t know truly how damaged/destroyed/obliterated my self-worth was. It was like one of those tanks returning from war; you know the ones. Technically they “work”, sure, but entire sections were missing, parts were hanging off the sides that had been gaffer taped on so many times they were dragging limply behind me, the radar was shot to sh*t and let’s face it, the driver herself was long dead.
My self worth had been living in a war zone of my own making, and those living inside it, my heart, my soul, my vulnerability, had been persecuted so viciously and relentlessly by their own leader, me, for as long as I can remember that they were little too terrified to come out. Ever. It was an unreserved mess, and extensive work would be required to put it all back together.
However, this is, despite the initial trembling tenor of this tale, not a sob story at all, but in fact a tome of great revelation and joy. Something to rejoice, something to revel in, and something I offer as a sacrifice to the cause, a way to ensure my own personal pain serves to light the path for others, and doesn’t just slide off into the night never to be seen again. For your pain, your shame and your guilt, all the by-products of your low self worth, can serve you to grow, blossom and bloom if you allow them, you may even go on to inspire others to also help themselves. AMAZING!
You see, as most who are working in this space would tell you, to come to the light, you have to go through the dark. My own process, which I won’t go into here, involved staring down a lot of deep dark mistruths about myself, and the sometimes not so gentle unpicking of some very gnarly scar tissue resulting from those beliefs. Years of built up armour had to be dismantled, and latent landmines laid over years and years had to be diffused before I could really go on and get to the bottom of my self worth deficiency.
But to do this, you have to start somewhere right? Yes. Yes, you do. Well, where do I start? I hear you ask. Let me give you a little guidance that may help, to save you some time ferreting around in your clogged emotional arteries looking around blindly for the source of your soul sickness. Clue: it’s right where you least expect it…EVERYWHERE.
So, it’s everywhere. Ok. Well, we have to start somewhere don’t we? Like everything I learned along the way, I recommend starting small in the beginning. I suggest just starting to have a little self-awareness around your trigger points to begin with, just start noticing what sets you off. Listen to what your body is doing, feel where there is pressure building up, what are the things that make you sad/mad/bad for no reason? Just start there.
To help out here, I’ll give you a little example that happened this morning, so you can understand how pervasive the self worth problem is for all of us. Also, before I go on, please understand you are not alone, each and every person on the face of the planet has some of this going on inside them, daily. We are all in this together, trust me. No one, and I mean no one is entirely immune, it’s all about degrees.
So, an example: as I sat down to write today, as I do every morning, nothing abnormal but for the fact that no ideas for what to say came to me in the immediate sense. Zero. An empty head it seemed. And for a flicker of a second, before I caught it, there was a tiny little sigh of doubt in my mind that said “See? You can’t possibly think this is your life’s purpose to help others if you can’t even think of anything to write, you can’t do this for a living”.
Now compared with days gone by, this little intruder was not devastating by any means. It lasted a no more than a nano-second this time, but what I do differently these days, is that I replace that doubt and fear with love and understanding. Just infusing that thought with some light. I then label it “Thinking” (praise be to that walking miracle monk Pema Chödrön), literally in my “inside voice” say “Thinking” as soon as the thought lands, and then I move on with a smile. No more, no less.
That thought is just a story we tell ourselves to explain our pain. It’s not real, it’s not true, and it most definitely is very far from helpful.
It’s for that reason, I no longer buy into the negative internal monologue in my brain that previously could have lasted all damn day. I also don’t seek to push it down, squash it with “something else”. So, when it does happen, I also now don’t reach for the nearest carb source, I don’t pour that glass/bottle of wine, I don’t hit that Netflix series I’ve been half watching for weeks, I don’t try and distract myself, I just be with it. Let it happen. It’s squishy, squelchy, scratchy and uncomfortable AF, but I just let it come, see it, feel it, and release it. To varying degrees of success depending on the day; some days it can take a few goes to get it to settle and float away.
Please don’t mistake me folks, this is not a flawless system, and I am no Buddhist monk, however, the relief if you can keep it up, is immense and your perspective begins to change. Subtly at first, radically over time. It’s the best investment in yourself you can make if you really want to lift that self-worth off the floor and back where it should be, shining with glee and happiness from your heart space. But honey, you gotta work work work. No pain, no gain. Commit to yourself, because my gorgeous friend, YOU.ARE.WORTH.IT. #loreal
So, here’s a little exercise that any person in the personal growth space will tell you to do. Mainly because they are right, and this is all that really works. When you have a thought that tells you you’re not good enough, not think enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, instead of doing what comes naturally and believing it or trying to beat it into submission, just notice it’s there. Gently does it. Just see it, observe it as you would observe a beautiful painting in a gallery – you wouldn’t try and take that off the gallery wall and sneak it home would you? NO! So don’t do that with your thoughts, don’t find them a home within you, just look at it, notice its colour, its texture, smile, and move on to the next painting. Apply that rule of thumb, and you are on your way.
Then, if you can, just say in a gentle soft internal voice, to the thought itself, “thinking”. Not labeling the thought as positive or negative, just noticing it and saying to yourself inside “thinking”. I learned this technique (part of a much larger series of magical Buddhist techniques) from reading (everything ever written) from Pema Chödrön in “Start Where You Are”. An extraordinary woman, now a Buddhist monk, she postulates that simply labeling a thought as “thinking” is to allow it to move through you more easily.
Pema says this about how to manage those pesky mental intruders; “when we come to that place where we say “thinking”, we can just say it with an unbiased attitude and with tremendous gentleness. Regard the thoughts as bubbles and the labeling like touching them with a feather. There’s just this light touch “Thinking”, and they dissolve back into space”. The simplicity of this stills blows my mind.
In the beginning, when I started doing this, I will admit that the feather she refers to, when applied by me, was more like a sledgehammer. However, with time and patience and the gentleness she espouses, this improved, and went from sledgehammer to regular hammer, to rubber hammer, to feather-esque-most-days. But I tell you, it’s practice practice practice.
The main trick is to see the thoughts as they arrive wielding their Games of Thrones-esque fire torches and weapons of mass destruction, and catch them before they develop into the self worth spiral of death, and hijack the entire mood of your day/week/year/life. Just notice them standing there waving their pitchforks and shouting all manner of obscenities at you, and smile at them. Yes, you’ll be afraid, yes you’ll want to run and hide, but try standing your ground, smiling at them and saying gently “thinking”, and just notice what starts to happen.
You may just lay waste to the siege of your battered centre-being without even lifting a finger. Now wouldn’t that be amazing?
Go with light gorgeous humans, you got this! That you’re here says you are ready to start helping yourself. I am so proud of you.
Loads of love and light,
Miss Cook xoxo
