Sex, lies and videotape: the trick to knowing your own NO

I felt like taking a big one on head first this morning.  I'm ready for a challenge.   Let’s do this; let’s crash tackle this baby.  

Yup, I am not playing today.   It's going to feel like jumping head first into a cactus at first, but bear with me.   Personal examination like this can be so incredibly rewarding, but I also note from bittersweet extensive personal experience it sometimes feels like having sand thrown in your eyes to begin with.  Repeatedly.  Special acidic caustic glass shards type sand. Stick with it.  From all the sand I have had thrown in my face over the course of my soul quest of the last 2 years, I have built the most magnificent sand castle.   At the beginning, all I wanted was to escape the sandpit, get away from all this godforsaken sand in places I prayed sand would never go.  I know.  I really feel you.  But you got this.  I am with you.   Now, let’s GO!

How intimately do you know your own NO? 

When it comes to sex, do you know the sound, texture and feel of your internal no?  Is it a big voice or a small voice?  Does it whisper or shout?  Is it a feeling or a word?  And most importantly…what do you do with it when you hear it?

Let’s put this is context; we all have times in our lives where sexually we said yes, when we meant no.  Women, men, gay, straight, trans, bi, all genders, all nationalities, this is a human problem and touches us all. 

You know what I am talking about, your mouth said yes, your body might have even half-heartedly played along, but your heart/soul was saying to you inside: no, please no. NO NO NO, AW HELL NO.   This no is an internal no, said to yourself from a place of inner wisdom.  Unless you say it out loud, the only one that can hear this no is you.    This no, is not negative, it is your best friend, your protector and your internal navigational system, and you go and throw that right out the window, in favour of a yes you don’t mean.  Feel me? Yup, I know you do.

No's come in all shapes and sizes, perhaps for you some of these ring true, maybe all of them do, and you have another 50 to add to the list (I know I do):

• NO to a particular sexual act (that’s not a hard one to imagine something you go “ick” to)?
• NO to sex with a particular person (your ex, your boss, your best friend, someone you're not attracted to)? 
• NO to sex with a particular type of person (emotionally unavailable people)
• NO to the situation (it’s public or at a party or at your parents house)? 
• NO because you’re in danger (physically or emotionally or at a soul level )? 

But yet, despite all the reasons you could actually be saying no, what comes out of your mouth is “okay”, “why not?”, “yes” or (with your bravest fake bravado voice) “LET ME HAVE IT BABY” or the worst one (the completely bollocks) “WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO BRING IT ON”. 

I am shaking my head as I write this, because this last one was one of my signature moves before I got wise to my own tricks.  I "embraced the moment" because I was too broken to do anything else, and because I love sex, this was a really easy way to numb pain going on elsewhere in my body.  The ultimate distraction.  At the expense of my body and the body of another. I genuinely fooled myself into thinking that it was better to be the wild and carefree girl that the guys thought was

hot, than be the fragile and tender woman I actually was.  FFS.

We all have more reasons for saying the fake yes instead of the honest no than I have time to go into here, but a few of my personal favourites are:

• low self-esteem,
• not wanting to be difficult,
• people pleasing,
• couldn’t be bothered with confrontation,
• fear,
• wanting to let go of control,
• wanting to be desired,
• wanting to be loved,
• seeking validation from another person,
• wanting to seem sexually empowered or adventurous. 

God the list is endless…I bet you can add many of your own.  I’ll wager anyone having sex these days can identify with at least one of these situations, and if you can’t (honestly), then AMAZING!!  Go and teach others how you do it, because this is rare.   For the rest of us, this is sometimes more common than we want to think, and is often too embarrassing, shameful or "socially inappropriate" to talk about. Well that ends today, doesn't it? 

I also want to point out here, lest there be any misunderstanding, don’t naively think that this is purely a female problem; it most certainly is not.   I know men, straight and gay, plenty of them in fact, who have absolutely said yes, when they didn’t want to hear or speak their internal no.  In fact, culturally men are conditioned (socially, biologically and emotionally) not to turn sex down.  For any reason.  That’s another post for another day, but guys, just know this, I hear you, I see you and I stand beside you in solidarity.   I welcome this beautiful expression of your feminity, bring it on.  Let’s pick this up later, but fellas just know there is one girl in your corner on this one.

SO, the next question is, you’ve heard your no to yourself, but you’ve said yes anyway.   You capitulated to your lower self in a moment of weakness.  Urgh. You’ve ignored the no, buried it, told it to “shut the fuck up and go away”, you’ve beat it into submission, told it it’s stupid or whatever it is that you do when your no is…inconvenient, awkward or unwanted by you.  So that’s done, you’ve buried the most intimate of your personal truths.  Ouch.  That’s gonna hurt later on isn't it? 

Now, here’s the bit that’s going to be, you know, hideous.  Like exfoliating with a Brillo Pad.  So I'm just gonna rip off the band aid.  Ok…here it is: you know that this “turning a no into a yes”, this has nothing to do with the person you are with, right?  Nope, not their fault. The only caveat to this is assuming it's a situation of power equality, and reserving my rights to not get lynched for speaking my mind, but if you said yes, then this, friend, is all on you.  

Your no is YOUR responsibility. 

Yes, you heard me.   I know this is horrible to hear and feels jarring to the touch.  I get it.  I am wincing as I type, I remember coming to this myself and feel like I had been burned with acid all ove.  It's a horrific thing to hear, having to not only own your innermost pain but also take responsibility for your actions that came from this old-as-time wound.   BUT, here’s your chance though, to step up, own your no now, even if you didn’t have the courage to own it earlier.  We have all at some point, even shifted responsibility for our no to another.  Like they should have "known".  Claimed trickery, manipulation or misrepresentation.  Yes.  You. Me.  This is a human response and nothing to be ashamed of.  You did this from a place within you that was so deeply unhappy that you gave your body away as a sacrifice to make the pain stop.  Don't bash yourself, thank yourself for being brave enough to see it.  

But now you have a choice.  To step up, step in, and to step outside your comfort zone.   To really own your NO that you gave away to someone else as a YES.  Say “that’s mine”, take it gently into your hands, say “thank you” and let it go.   THat no, in that time, that wasn't said.  No shame, no blame, just you and your shadow.   You can do this.

I know what it feels like to sit with the shame of “doing this to myself”.  I know the guilt of having treated myself with disdain, shown myself more disrespect than any other person possibly could, and I know the pain of doing something patently against my own wishes.  Whether or not I didn’t respect myself enough to say no, or whether the need for love or kindness or validation overrode the absurdity of giving away my body to get it, or whether I was just in a place dark enough not to care what I did with my precious carcass, I have been there.  All of those statements have been true for me at some point. It’s heartbreaking and humbling to admit, but it’s also deeply empowering, like a heavy weight lifted, because I say this to the world at large as my promise, I will never ever do it again.   My hope for you, is after today, neither will you.  

In happy news, this is the point at where the gritty can turn unbelievably pretty.  You just spoke your real truth.  You owned the things that some days fill you with dread. Do you know how empowering and incredible that is?  To say “I’m okay with all of the things that caused me shame for so long. I choose not be ashamed anymore”.  WHOA.  Sit with that for a second, apologize to yourself, give yourself a hug, tell yourself how sorry you are that you didn’t listen, didn’t acknowledge and didn’t respect your own no.

KNOW YOUR NO. OWN YOUR NO. 

Vow to only do things for your own fully consenting, adult, sensual pleasure, for your own joy, for the true betterment of your heart and soul.  With all the no’s stolen from others in this world, do yourself a favour, and own yours.  It’s yours, respect it, worship and give it the reverence others don’t get the chance to. 

Now…while you're at it...go out there and own your YES.  For the sake of yourself, your lovers and for humanity.  We need all the wholehearted yeses we can get right now, so that when as sensitive, emotional creatures, that when we hear a YES in the bedroom (or kitchen or garden shed ;-)), we'll know its a FULL BODY YES.  I know from hereon in if anyone hears a YES from me...it's a F**K YES.  A real one. And that my fabulopus friends is absolutely something to celebrate! YES YES YES!!!!!  More yeses, more please, thank you. 

Look at you go, look at you soar, I F**KING LOVE YOU.  Go out there you gorgeous humans and have at it.  All of the beauty.  You deserve it.

Love and light forever,

Miss Cook xoxo

Personal author postscript: It's at this point, having done so much work on myself, it truly seems right, honest, and genuine to apologise not only to myself, but also to the people to whom I gave of myself in a way that now feels very disingenuous.  For those that experience my no as a yes. I'm really sorry, you deserve more than that.  So, for what it's worth, if one of you happens to read this, and suspect this may apply to you, please just accept my simple apology.  All I can do is promise I will never do it again.  With love, me.