Misunderstanding Your Mini-Me: How Well Are You REALLY Treating Your Inner Child?
Here we go, headfirst into Spiritual Saturday: today we're going to hit the motherload: your inner child. So, I am all amped up, having just come out of a MASSIVE Saturday morning meditation and I have something important to say....
If you are currently ignoring your inner child: DON'T!! STOP THAT!
That little person inside is WAY too important to be ignored, pushed aside or bullied into submission or silence. STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY. I say this with love: cut that bullshit out.
Let's take a minute today to talk about this inner child business. Yes, it's awkward, and yes it feels weird to those new to it, to acknowledge that a small version of yourself lives within, but just try and ignore it or pretend it's not there. I dare you. What a smack in the soul chops you're going to get today. Ouch.
Instead, if you're one of the nay-sayers, let's just suppose or pretend it exists for the purpose of this exploration, and think about what can we do, as adults, to help work through some of our inner child nitty gritty?
How can we lend a little love and kindness to that small person within that actually just wants to feel safe, secure and soothed? It's so easy to scoff at this kind of work, write off as woo-woo or hoo-ey (see woo-woo for definition), and move on, pretending there is nothing wrong with you. I did exactly that for ooooooh...35 years. And then I couldn't anymore, my life had become such an uncontrollable emotional train wreck, taking out almost everything in its path, that it was impossible to ignore, and so I started to look inside. Christ on a bike that was a scary emotional junkyard back then. Wooooooeeeeee...hurts just thinking about it.
I would suggest that if you suffer from any of the following: excess drinking, drug abuse, anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, you are the victim or perpetrator of unkindness or verbal or physical violence onto another, you are perpetually sad, you are mean-spirited towards life or perhaps listless, you feel worthless or pathetic, you have suffered childhood physical or sexual abuse or you just feel like you have lost your way, then this friend, this article is for you. There are many more than I have listed, but certainly, these are some key ones. Dig around in your internal dirt, you'll start to see whatu I mean....
I tell you, if you see any of this article in yourself, and if you can go on to land some of this inner child work, or even just to make a start on it, you will see the most magical improvement in so many aspects of your life. I have. I am living proof it can be done. It's hard, it's ongoing, but the payoff is IMMENSE.
I also believe this issue is a good one for parents to consider, just as a reference point. Although I am not a parent myself (that is still a mental minefield for me), and I certainly don't claim to be any kind of kid expert, what I do know is that if my amazing parents had known then what they know now about what affected me so greatly as Mini-Me, I KNOW they are so loving they would have tried to do things differently. My Mum and Dad with hindsight would for sure have known to be more aware of the impact that certain behaviors of both their own and those they allowed close to me, would have done so much damage, later on, I KNOW they would have tried their best to shift that burden from me. I am lucky, there is so much love in my family, that although we may have been ham-fisted in how we executed raising a kid (all of us including me), I know my Mum and Dad particularly would have done anything to do things differently, not better necessarily, just differently, to ensure I didn't come out of it so twisted. So, therefore, for your kid/s, is this not worth 15 minutes of your time?
If you are reading this and thinking "UNREAL!! Where do I start? Oh hang on....first up WHAT THE HELL IS MY INNER CHILD?". That's okay, good for you for wanting to start. I am going to make some suggestions below about how to poke and prod this a little bit within yourself. See the links at the bottom for some cool resources about where to begin. Also, feel free to drop me a note, I love helping people with this stuff, and will most likely have someone or something you can do in your 'hood to get started.
For the beginners though, the inner child is essentially that little voice within, sometimes it comes up as nothing more than a whisper, that tells you it needs something, or conversely, its needs aren't being met. If you ignore that little critter, I tell you, it will cry, hide, sulk, tantrum, make itself invisible or just hurt you from deep inside. Frequently as adults, when you feel something deeply, part of that is your inner child asking you to notice something, or look a little harder, or lend a little healing to something important inside you that remains unresolved.
Each and every person is carrying with them some wounding, or even trauma, from their childhood, and if you think that you are not, you are absolutely kidding yourself. Many of the ways in which we "act out" and "misbehave" (read: run rampage emotionally) as adults come from the little child within, who has been one or some of these things: ignored, abandoned, abused, rejected, traumatized, bullied, felt unsafe, felt unloved or a myriad of others things.
Stop for a minute and imagine how that little person felt when adults told them their feelings were not valid or were irrelevant. That they didn't really matter. That the grown ups needs were more important than a defenseless small person's. Well, that shit isn't it? Now realize that that little person inside you remembered all of those feelings, and has likely carried that into adulthood, telling itself/yourself now, in this time, that you are not worthy of being listened to or that your feelings don't matter. Oh oh. #cue10yearsoftherapy
This may manifest in adulthood as so many things: inflicting pain on others as an expression of your own pain, squishing down your emotions in the belief they are not valid, spraying your emotions all over others because you don't know how to express yourself appropriately, you keep yourself emotionally unavailable because men/women/people can't be trusted, entering toxic relationships because you don't believe you are worthy of better, accepting a low "station" in life because you are pathetic and can't do better, the list goes on and on and on.
We all know, children are little sponges that feel the energy shifts in adults so acutely, words are merely an adjunct to what they feeeeeeel coming off us. They absorb our emotions and energy as if they were words they understood. For our formative years, the energy of those around you IS your language. Whatever you as adults project, these little people absorb, and it informs them of the safety of the world around them. Sadly, without any fault or intention on the part of parents or adults around them, many kids learn very early that their world is not safe, things are not as they seem and should be trusted. They then bank this information in their little souls, and carry it with them until (a) it starts to manifest very poorly in adulthood (see above) or (b) they are able to heal it and move forward in a positive and extraordinary way.
There are no other alternatives for such a small human, they can't rationalise anything away yet, that "handy" skill comes with time.
Without going into my own story in any detail, using it simply as a point of reference for you to start from, my own childhood journey has involved abandonment, rejection, repeatedly having my little feelings about some of the trauma I was suffering ignored or invalidated by people I needed to protect me because it didn't suit the adult agenda at the time. My little child was alone, lonely, desperately sad, rejected and left to fend for herself. The adult formation of this in me (and those that know me will be nodding along) was not trusting men, hyper-independent to the point of emotional withdrawal in relationships, hypersensitivity to pain (read:overreacting like a broken nuclear reactor), people pleasing so that I was not a burden to anyone or was seen as a "good girl", and a severe lack of self-worth. Whoa. Youch.
Let me be 100% clear, as I said earlier, there is absolutely no blame here on the part of my parents or anyone else, my family has flaws, yes, but we also have love. We have worked together to try and heal some of these old scars. This is neither an excuse nor an apology. IT's just facts as they stand. But, for my part, I also had to shift that victim story I told for so long, you know the part where I got to avoid taking responsibility for myself by blaming everyone else? Because that, that is not helpful either. A victim story can have so much power over you and can really do damage, as much as the original wounding, if you don't work to move it.
Blaming others is NOT the answer, and absolutely not at all what I am suggesting. Acknowledgment on the part of the people who may have unintentionally/intentionally hurt you is incredibly healing, but the REAL healing work can only be done by you. Until this work is complete or at least advanced, what remains within you is little trigger points in the adult world, sort of like emotional speed humps or potholes, that can take you right back to the feelings you felt as a small child. Express service to childhood wounding, departing Platform 1! These triggers, and your reactions to them, will keep you small, until you heal them. For real.
Lend a little time and kindness to allowing this to unfold for you, feel what it feels like to be Mini-You, and then from here, just explore. Visualising is the express route to understanding so much more about the inner little one. Allow and permit whatever comes up for you to be accepted, not shunned or buried - it may sound silly, but it's not.
This is important to know early on, anyone who laughs at you for attempting this work is clearly not someone you need in your life, surround yourself with people who support it. This is really important work, and if you mates, dates, parents or partners don't get it, that's cool, it's not for everyone. BUT, if someone is making fun of you or trying to make you feel stupid for doing it, may I suggest this is not the kind of person you need in your life. #byefelicia Someone who loves you may see that whilst it may not be for them, if you need it, have at it. If they love you without judgment, they'll just lend you their love, not their sneers and disapproval. Be wary of the nay-sayers, if I listened to everyone who told me I was crazy, I would still be my old self stuck in a major emotional rut, not really able to get close to anyone. So, yeah.
As for the how: sure there are structured ways to go into childhood wounding, but honestly, something I have to do often, is just to imagine Mini-Me sitting in front of me (she's about 4-5 in my mind), and I ask her what she needs, how can I help her? I take the time to reinforce to her she is safe and she is loved. She is valued and worthy and was put on this earth to do great things, to help others and to bring love and happiness to those within her sphere of influence. I remind her that her childhood will not define her, she will use it for good and to cultivate understanding around her purpose. She gets a lot of reassurance from me on the regular. It's just become part of my practice because let me tell you, when she's happy, I'm happy.
One final word as you begin this amazing journey, know this: typically anytime you are asked to do work of this deep nature, although it's going to be incredibly transformative, it's usually not...easy. You will see things that may upset you, may make you mad, just let it all come. Allow tears to fall and rage to rage, express it, by all means, let it out, but not at someone until you really understand it. Unfiltered emotions can be as toxic out as they are in. Take the time to be with what's there for you. Cry, yell, howl (your neighbours will forgive you eventually), better out than in my friends. And when you're done, give yourself so much love and thanks for having that immense courage.
For if you are brave enough to enter this space, I am absolutely 100% with you. I've done a lot of this work, and I understand exactly how this may feel for you. I am here for you, I see you, I hold space for you and I feel you, because although this often makes me sick to my stomach when I see this work coming (again) for me, I could never hope to be as happy, grounded or as settled as I am now, without having done this first.
I know this is heavy and I know this is deep, especially for a weekend, but it had to come out, it's been bubbling and simmering and so here it is. All I hope is that this inspires you to dig a little deeper, have a poke around in what is really there for you, and give your little one a hug. Let them know, if nothing else, you're here now, and they are finally safe to come out and tell you what's REALLY going on.
ONE LAST THING: if you have something to say, please comment below, I am so looking forward to us starting to create a commuity of uinderstanding around all this work.
All my love to you.
Love,
Miss Cook AND Mini-Me xoxo
