Safety Sex: The Beginning of the Best Sex of Your Life
Good afternoon lovely creatures! I have one you can really get your teeth into today, for it's the beginning of something truly beautiful. Of course, me being the little salcious whippersnapper I am, it's all about sex. Well, yes, but no, but more yes than no.
I currently am following a thread of people I truly admire blazing a trail down the path of "intimate relating" and "conscious intimacy" (more on this another time) and what it takes to feel safe in intimacy, safe in sex of all kinds, and I am so incredibly inspired by what I am seeing. In fact I am so inspired that I am hopping up and down with excitement about the prospect of sharing all the goodness, and tenderly exploring my own edges in this space....with you of course.
Ok, ok....slow down there #spiritualjunkie. Let's take this one step at a time, and slow it right down, because today's helping of MIss Cook & Co cherry pie deserves more than a couple of chews and a hurried swallow approach. This is a conversation to be savoured. For more than just a single post. So stay tuned, today is just the beginning.
But we got to start somewhere, and so here we go, they say that the first bite is always the sweetest right...
Let's talk about sex baby. Specifically SAFETY SEX.
I can hear you yawning. NO!!!! Don't leave me now. NO I don't mean safe sex, as in "bag it please mister", I mean safety sex as is sex that is safe enough emotionally to want to swing from the chandeliers screaming your head off, go running for your deepest darkest fantasies dragging them out from the closet you kept them in, to eye gaze with someone while you fuck the living daylights out of them, to reach for the... no no, that's too far, never mind.
You know, SAFETY SEX - because frankly, "sex that makes you feel safe" doesn't sound half as hot as SAFETY SEX. And let me tell you, safety sex is the hottest effing thing on the face of the planet, because safety sex is sex where it is safe for you to be open, vulnerable and tender with those parts of yourself that you may not like or are "working on". To bring out the beast within, fully expressed, in a grounded way, not just because you are high and out of control and feel like trying it on for size. Similarly, safety sex is also where you get to ask to be held, supported or loved in ways that may initially make you feel "weak" or "silly" (they're not and neither are you btw). Safety sex is where you let all of yourself be seen (not just the jiggly bits).
What do I mean by this specifically?
Safe sex is sex where you can express your deepest desires without judgment (whatever they may be), sex where you feel connected to the person you are having sex with, sex where you can let go fully and drop into the experience, leaving your thoughts, judgments and preconceived notions of what it should be behind. Safety sex is where your emotional centre, your body and your heart, give a BIG FAT YES to having sex with the person before you.
Safe sex is where the intention is that you are sharing something with another person, and you mutually agree to go into an intimate space together, for the purposes of heightening your connection, not just mindlessly banging bodies together in a frenzy of hormones, untethered human need, booze or grief (as fun as that may sound to you). I can speak for myself specifically when I say I have NEVER been able to give a full emotional yes to sex when I am drunk or high or in an altered state. I'll leave that to you to chew on as you see fit, but it's definitely food for thought.
This does not necessarily mean either that your relationship with that person is monogamous, it certainly does not mean that you have to be in a partnership, or even with someone you intend to have a relationship with. No. Safe sex, the way I intend it to be read for this exploration, is sex with any single person where you feel safe and secure to be anything and all that you are - it's intention, meaningful and engaged. You could have 10 lovers, none or just one - it's what you bring to these sexual relationships that counts, not the label that can be plonked on them.
Personally, I have had some of the safest sexual experiences with men and women with whom I have a purely sexual relationship, no strings attached, but we were absolutely aligned emotionally and I trusted them implicitly. Likely, we are still friends, or at least friendly acquaintances today. I have also, by contrast, had some of the most unsafe sex with men I have been in long term relationships with. Desperation sex, adrenal sex, emergency sex. For years. Fuck. Those were exhausting and empty, and man did they take their toll on me, and I imagine them also.
So, to bring this a little closer to home, to see how healthy your own safety score is, I would love it if you would think about the number of times (or time if you are slightly more saintly than me), that you have waived your own emotional sexual safety in exchange for say....saying yes to your impulses, wanting to people please, wanting to lure him or her into a physical relationship (they won't be able to resist you after you fuck them being the biggest myth - how I laughed) or temptation got took over and you caved to the roar of the roaw, only then to be left out in the cold emotionally having not created a safe space for yourself to fully enjoy the magic of sex between two humans.
Sound familiar? Oh fuck yes, you better believe I have done that more times than I can count. Boyfriends, lovers, casual flings or one night stands have alllllllll fallen into this category over the course of my life. But here's the gritty bit. This kind of unanchored and unthoughtful sex, without allowing time for your emotions to say "yes", leave room for all the cranky little shadow critters like jealously, insecurity and neediness to come crawling out WAY too early. Oh hello, all the things I didn't want you to see, ever, all appearing at once. Joy!
And man those little gremlins have caused me some havoc over time - shouting, screaming and gnashing their little chompers. Cue instant shame story, about how you had sex too early, they don't respect you, they don't love you, they just want to fuck you....ooooooooh yeah, this is not going to be pretty. Ugly days ahead, because let's be honest, once the monsters are out of the box and in control, guaranteed you are not going to feel good about your ensuing actions. Wooooweeee those are some sharp teethed motherfuckers and they are like to gnaw your hand off before you know what's happening.
So having experienced this in my former life more times than is healthy, safe sex and how to ensure I have it, is something that is happily doing a merry dance across sexual landscape at the moment.
Especially now. For you see, after a time of self-imposed sexual exile (to do my woo woo work unfettered), I am once more ready to wade back out into the sensual world. I have missed it, missed that connection with others that lights me up in ways that friendship cannot, I have missed that part of myself who is longing to be expressed...safely without the need to take "things" from another. Pleasure for the sake of pleasure and connection. What could possibly be better than that?
Truly friends, right now this is all very tender (be gentle with me please), because all this newness, all the layers I have unwrapped since last being in this delicious and delightful space, need time to sink in for me. To wriggle into the corners of this new me and find my best fit. To find comfort in the nakedness of being without armour. I am trembling more than a little at the thought of having to lay myself bare once more, this time with more (literal and figurative) skin in the game than ever before. I am going all in for the first time in my life. Sweet Jesus. Going into this sober and with only honesty and no little bag of tricks to take with me is...let me tell you...daunting. But also, this is probably one of the sweetest exposures I could ever have imagined.
So for the sake of all of us getting at some of the good stuff, let's explore what safety sex means; for me, for you and for all of humanity. For more of us that are able to land this sexual and emotional A380 without having to use auto-pilot, the more of us will be having connected amazing sex before we know it. And THAT can only be a good thing, right?
Here are the big questions to ask yourself:
- When do you really feel safe to have sex with someone? Not in terms of the passage of time but of knowing your nervous system can handle it and feels good about physical intimacy and all that it brings?
- When did you last, if ever, ask your body or check in with yourself before having sex with someone? When did you last wait for an honest answer before proceeding (ie not your ego, hormones or lack of self-worth doing all the acquiescing on your behalf)?
- What do you need for yourself to really relax into being intimate with another? Like, to really let yourself go, not just physically (for women this is big), but also emotionally, spiritually.
- Can you describe for me a time when you had sex so safe, I mean sex almost sacredly safe, that you could release into the fullness of that experience?
- What did this FEEL like for you? At the time of saying yes? During? Post? I don't want you to use words if you can help it, feel it in your body. This is the good stuff, feel what happens when you think of how powerful this was for you.
They're curly ones aren't they? I know, they're designed to make us think. I write this as much for me as I do for you.
I have also found that the answers are often not the immediate ones. You are called to rifle through the Rolodex (google it Millennials) to find those handfuls of people that made you feel that held, that supported, that connected with them and yourself, that you could let go into all that is/was between you. Also, I think this really brings into sharp relief all the times you HAVE NOT felt like this. Equally, FEEL that in your body now, allow yourself, now that you are not in the moment, to feel that and register that you want to work to avoid feeling that way in the future. Because feeling as if you have swallowed razor blades is not a good time.
Take your time with these thoughts and questions. Journal about them. Probe your needs, desires and wants. Start a conversation with yourself that happens before, during and after every time you think about being intimate with someone, including (if relevant) your partner. You may find you are not having safe sex at all. You may find you merely need some fine tuning. You may find you don't know what the hell I am talking about because you have NEVER had safe sex. All of this is welcome, and all of this is perfectly imperfect for right now.
We have to start somewhere, and today is just the beginning for us to explore all of this together. I don't have any answers, nor do I feel I need any, but hot damn if I am not incredibly excited to walk on this path with you, tripping and bumbling our way into all the things that make up the very best life we can imagine.
LOVE YOU LOADS. Stay tuned gorgeous ones, this is going to be delicious!
Miss Cook xoxo
PS: this last picture bears no relevance to anything, I just felt like giving you a sweet treat for all your efforts today ;-) xxx